May I
by Mnema
Summary: A girl who does not know herself has no choice other than to live with other people's evaluations of her. Harvest Moon: Back to Nature cast.
1. Mayflower

**Image Source: Audrey Scherer Photography**

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><p><span><strong>Chapter 1: Mayflower<strong>

It was the spring before my 18th birthday. The early afternoon sunlight streamed in through the window of my room, casting light over all of the jewelry and perfume that decorated the vanity I sat in front of. I had just finished curling my hair, which has grown quit long since I cut it up to my shoulders two summers ago during church camp. That was during my rebellious phase. Sometimes, I feel like I'm still in that phase.

"May! Would you like to eat something before you go?"

"No Grandpa, I'll eat at the festival!" I yelled from my room which was upstairs in the old farmhouse. I had lived with Grandpa and my Mother for the first few years of my life, though I don't remember much of that time. My Mother had left when I was about 8 years old, and it's been me and Grandpa ever since. She never came back. Why did she leave? I used to ask that question a lot. I'd always wonder about her and dream about what she looked like. Do I look like her, I wondered? I find myself wondering less and less about those things now though.

Lately, I have been spending most of my time helping Grandpa on the farm. We have managed very well so far, and he even talks about giving the Yodel Ranch to me once he passes away. I don't like to think about that though.

When I'm not helping Grandpa around the farm, I'm with Stu. We've known each other ever since we were little kids, though he wasn't so fond of me back then. We began dating after he confessed his feelings for me at the beach during the Fireworks festival last summer. It's been a good year with him, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I lived somewhere else.

No one around here really thinks about leaving. Everyone is comfortable and that's fine, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable. I've always had a sense of wanderlust because of my Mother, and I would daydream about the big city and what it was like all the time. I know, typical small-town girl, but I like to think I'm different.

The spring before I turned 16 was when he first moved here. A city boy who had inherited his family farm after his Grandfather passed away. My Grandpa had known his family for a long time, and they often did business together. The first spring he was here, our brown mare had just given birth and he adopted the pony. He'd let me come over to see her and I even helped him train her. To this day, she listens to my commands more than his. Sometimes, when I was there, I would sneak peaks at him and his girlfriend as they kissed. Part of me was curious, but most of me was jealous. His name is Jack and when I'm not dreaming of the city, I'm dreaming of him.


	2. May I Have This Dance?

**Chapter 2: May I Have This Dance?  
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"You look very nice, May, but are you sure you don't have time to eat?" asked Grandpa in his warm, familiar voice. I hurried down the stairs and across the kitchen, the peaches and cream fabric of my dress getting caught under my feet and causing me to trip.

"No Grandpa, I have to go! But thank you!"

I had grown to be a bit taller than Grandpa, so I had to bend down slightly to hug him before I left the house. Hana, our cocoa colored beagle, wagged her old tail excitedly as I hurried past and I felt bad for not having time to play with her. I couldn't leave without at least giving her an ear rub and a kiss on the snout though.

The wind whipped the clouds around in the sky, casting much of the land in shadow for brief moments as I ran down the old country lane towards the Town Square. It was a cool spring day, but when the sun made it's way around the clouds it felt like it was almost summer. My smile must have been a mile wide as I walked among the festivities. Everything seemed to hum with life, the flowers, the music, the food, all the people chit-chatting to one another. It was my first time participating in the Harvest Goddess Festival, and this year's Harvest King was someone I could only dream of dancing with.

I admit that I am a hopeless romantic, but I also have a strong grasp on reality that is unshakable. I keep my little girl day-dreams of love to myself, locked away in my heart so that they do not interfere with the practicality of real life. I recognize that I'm young and full of teenage fantasies, and that one day I'll grow out of it, but right now I can't help but indulge myself once in a while. A girl's got to have a little fun now and then, right?

When I was younger, there were always five girls who danced in the festivals. Most of them still participate except for Popuri and Elli because they are too busy being married and not having any fun. I stood in the center, next to a beautiful girl who could sing and dance, and also drink any man under the table. Her name is Karen and I've envied her since I was a little girl. I would always wish for my dark, wavy locks to be smoother and straighter, and for them to lighten just a bit in the front like hers. Lately, I've grown more comfortable with myself so I don't fret so much about that anymore. I do still envy Karen though, but it's for a different reason now.

As the other girls talked amongst themselves, I was concentrating on the dance steps and attempting to commit them to memory one last time before the performance. And just as I'm trying to keep my composure, _he_ comes over and melts my teenage heart.

"Hey, don't look so nervous," he said with that half grin, slight dimples showing through his facial hair, "you'll do great."

"Hopefully not, if I win I'll have to dance with you," I replied teasingly. My witty remarks weren't always appreciated by others, but he and I had always joked like that. He laughed and put his arm around me to give me a quick, friendly hug, but not without saying one more thing that shook up the butterflies in my stomach.

"Well, I wouldn't mind dancing with you."

Okay, he didn't mean it to be flirty. But oh my goddess, how I wish he had! But Jack would never flirt with me. He's a respectable man in town with a profitable farm and a beautiful girlfriend and _way _too much to lose. He is also a _man_, a man who is _almost_ seven years older than me, and I am a silly little girl who isn't even legal to drink yet. Flirting with me would be way more trouble than it's worth. And I know that. At least, I tell myself that.

Save for a few missteps, the performance went smoothly. I hadn't allowed myself to fantasize much about winning the title of Harvest Goddess, and a good thing I didn't because I didn't win. I partnered up with Stu while Karen took her place in Jack's arms. Resting my chin on Stu's shoulder, I let my eyes to wander to their place on the dance floor and I watched as Jack's hands moved tentatively over Karen's waist. His movements were sure yet unassuming, his touch seemed soft yet still manly. It was a paradox in my mind that kept me from looking away. The more I watched them, the less tolerant I became of Stu's overly-confident gropes and crude suggestions.

After the ceremonious dance concluded, I wandered away from Stu and over to the punch table to sneak a bit of red wine. It seemed like the right thing to do. It made me feel more mature, like something the heroine would do in a movie after she had just witnessed her man in another woman's arms. I imagined the wine somehow escaping the confines of my stomach and leaking into my heart, melting away all the messed-up, totally unwarranted, feelings of jealousy I was having. I didn't really like the taste, but I drank it anyway.

"May I have this dance?"

Startled, I hid the cup that didn't contain punch behind my back and managed to spill a bit on my dress. Not nearly as distraught as I should have been for having just spilled red wine on a gorgeous gown, I gulped down the last bit in my mouth and attempted to make words.

"I, uh... sure!"

He snaked his hand around my waist, my waist that felt oh-so-small in his embrace, and led me back onto the dance floor. Pulling me close, he began to dance...and I began to feel the effects of the wine.

"I don't like red wine either," he said smoothly, grinning as he looked down at me. I began to feel dizzy.

"Can't hide anything from you, can I?"

With my new found liquid-courage, I let my gaze linger a moment longer, provoking him, _wanting_ him to say something, anything I could hang onto for hope that he didn't think of me as just a little girl. But he didn't say anything because he's Jack and he is so much older and I am so much younger and why would he ever think of me that way?

And after it was all over, I heard Karen say to her best friend Ann that she didn't like me and that I got on her nerves. And I pretended to not hear her, just like I pretended to not notice when she went over to Rick's house, her _ex-boyfriend's_ house, late at night. For a moment, I imagined what it would be like if I told Jack that I saw Karen and Rick together, and I fantasized that he'd leave her for it and ask me to be his girlfriend. But, ultimately I knew I'd never tell him because if I did it wouldn't matter and it would only make me look bad in the end. And as reality would have it, Stu walked me home that evening as Karen left with Jack, because what else did I really expect to happen?

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><p>Author's Note: Special thanks to <strong>therainydaykids<strong>. You really inspired me to write this, and I'm sure you can tell some of my descriptions are heavily influenced by your writing style :)


	3. April Showers Bring May Flowers

**Chapter 3: April Showers Bring May Flowers**

It was the last day of April; the day before my 18th birthday. But I wasn't very excited about that. Instead of preparing for a birthday party, I was preparing deliveries to the local farms. Anything Grandpa couldn't do with ease, I would do for him, but the tasks he was able to do seem to be lessening by the day. I didn't really mind though because the biggest delivery was to the next farm over.

A light, spring breeze tousled my thick hair as I made my way along the dirt path through the woodland outskirts of town, the long-route between my farm and his. A lone cabin was tucked away in the distance; it belonged to the reclusive woodcutter who I had only seen a handful of times in my life. It was during these rare moments of solitude that I let my heart take over my mind. I would play out the what-ifs and could-bes of my life so that my mundane reality became just a bit more bearable. I allowed myself to continue day-dreaming as I walked across the small foot bridge over the gurgling creek onto _his_ farm. It was nothing like the Yodel Ranch. Expansive and green, the fence line decorated with trees and wildflowers, the noise of the town buffered by the sounds of the mountain. Of course, there's no place like home, but that doesn't mean other places can't be inherently more aesthetically pleasing. One of my day-dreams was that I lived there.

"Hey May," he'd say to me in a way that always left me analyzing his tone a bit too much. He'd stop whatever it was that he had been doing and we'd talk for a while about all sorts of things. None of our conversations were particularly meaningful but, nevertheless, I'd always dwell on them afterwards. That day was different though.

"So, how are you and Stu?"

It was the first time he had acknowledged my relationship with Stu, and it was the first time I had talked to him about it.

"Oh, it's fine. The normal, teenage love I suppose." He didn't seem happy with that answer.

"What's that mean?" he asked in a way that could have been interpreted in a brotherly I-care-about-you sort of way, but also as a jealous-male-suitor sort of way.

"Mmm, I don't know, I guess it means it's going good but I know we won't be together forever." He seemed to like that answer better.

The conversation took another unexpected turn, only this time towards his relationship rather than mine. He told me that he was having doubts about him and Karen because she didn't seem to be over _her_ teenage love. For a moment, it felt as if the stars had aligned in my favor, but when I saw the sadness in his eyes I couldn't dare allow myself to feel happiness. He cared about her, and I cared for him, so I couldn't be pleased in the least to hear the news.

"Well enough about depressing stuff, what are you getting into for your big one-eight tomorrow?" I smiled because he remembered my birthday.

"The same as any other year. Grandpa doesn't like people in the house, so I don't have parties. Maybe I'll just go to the bar since I'll be legal."

"That doesn't sound fun," he said as he finished handing me the money for the fodder and animal supplies, "you should have a party here, invite whoever you want, and then go to the bar afterwards with all of your friends."

I was quite taken back. Honestly, I felt like squealing with excitement, but I refrained.

"I really appreciate the offer, but I can't take you up on that-"

"Think nothing of it," he said reassuringly, "you and Barley have helped me out since day one, it's the least I could do. You have done so much around here, this farm is as much yours as it is mine."

Oh my goddess, if he kept talking like that I would have enough material to fuel my teenage fantasies for the next century! I smiled wide, unable to mask the euphoria that overtook my face.

"That smile settles it," he said with a smile of his own which caused his face to crease in a way that accentuated his warm, brown eyes. My heart melted.

Have you ever been so nervous that your heart feels like it might beat out of your chest, or that it's beating so fast you might pass out from giddy excitement? That's how I felt the next day as I walked to Jack's house. He told me to come at two o'clock, and though I thought that was a little late to prepare for the party, I never questioned it. Instead, I arrived to an empty farm with no sign of Jack. Hesitantly, I knocked on his front door only to find it slightly ajar. I didn't open it any further though- I'd never just go inside Jack's house! Even if the door was open and even if I was really curious to see if the inside of his house matched the imaginary one I had built in my head. Suddenly, the door swung open and a chorus of "SURPRISE" arose from within. I just stood there in the doorway; mouth agape in shock as I was bombarded with hugs. I never expected everyone to already be there! And I do mean everyone; even the hermit woodcutter who I hadn't seen in years! And you know that feeling when you've eaten too much cake and you feel like you're about to throw-up but you also feel oh-so-good because you just ate a bunch of freakin' cake? That's how I felt when Jack hugged me and said softly in my ear:

"Happy Birthday, May."


	4. Is It Raining With You?

**Chapter 4: Is It Raining With You?**

This is why wishes aren't granted. This is why dreams don't come true.

Because when they do, you just keep wanting more. It's never enough. It used to be that all I wanted was for him to _just_ look at me, or talk to me, or dance with me. But every time I got what I wanted, I _just_ kept wanting more. Thus is our hedonistic human nature I suppose.

It was well into summer then, and though Jack and Karen had broken up long enough for her to already be back with her ex I hadn't seen Jack for what felt like ages. He hadn't made any of his normal orders and he hadn't even stopped by to check up on Grandpa like he normally did. I'd almost always see him at the beach during nice weather, but he didn't even come to the Opening Day Swimming festival. Not only was I curious about the reasoning for his hiatus, I was also a bit worried considering his recent break-up. I had considered stopping by just to check up on him, but decided that would be too straight-forward of me and decided against it.

"I'm headin' to the spring, May, would you like to come?"

"No Grandpa!" I said nicely, but not without a little irritation. Since I was a little kid I never liked going in the hot spring! I don't know why he insisted on asking every time he went.

Without Grandpa around and Hana being too old to do anything but lie around, the house was eerily quiet. I didn't like it because it made me think about what it would be like once Grandpa passed away. Not wanting to feel anymore sad than I already was, I took his absence as an opportunity for some rebellious fun. I had recently bought a new bikini and it was oh-so pretty but also oh-so skimpy, and there was no way I could wear it in public without Sasha, Manna, and Anna having something to say about it. Grandpa would never let me out of the house in it anyway, and honestly it would feel disrespectful to even wear it in front of him. Regardless of my not being able to wear it in public, it was too adorable not to buy. I wound my hair up into a bun and looked at my bikini clad bum in the mirror, not sure if I liked what I saw. My skin had a bit of an olive tone naturally, so I could get pretty tan but I wasn't nearly dark enough to pull off that shade of yellow. Not wanting to waste anymore time, I ran outside to get my tan on. I laid my towel down and strategically positioned myself so that I could see Grandpa before he saw me. Hana came out with me, but ultimately found her way back into the shade while I continued to bask in the warm summer sun. The soft breeze rustled the trees above and it didn't take long for me to drift off...

"Hey May."

I knew that voice but it wasn't Grandpa's. Was I dreaming? I jumped up in a start once I saw who it was.

"Haha, sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

I grasped the sun dress I had worn over the bikini to my chest in an attempt to cover myself, but it was really no use at that point. I was somewhat disoriented because the sun had found its way behind dark clouds that weren't there earlier and the breeze had become substantially cooler. Still stunned, I had yet to say anything to him.

"I know I haven't been around for a while, but you look like you've just seen a ghost or something!" Finally, I laughed as I pulled the white sun-dress over me and made my way over to the fence where he stood oh-so tall and oh-so handsome.

"Sorry, I was afraid you were Grandpa," he seemed confused, "...he wouldn't approve of my attire."

"Why? What's wrong with a bathing suit?"

"He's old school," I replied as I hopped the fence, "I'm glad to see you! It's been a long time, how have you been?"

He chewed on his lip as he looked around, obviously a bit unsettled.

"As much as I'd love to catch up I actually need a favor. We've got a bad storm coming in and I need some stuff moved into the barn, but my tractor won't start. I was wondering if Barley got his big one fixed and if I could use it?"

"Jack! You haven't been charging the battery!" I scolded playfully as I led him into the barn.

"No I have, that's the thing! I don't know how this happened!" He seemed eager to prove that he knew what he was doing, so he continued talking while I searched for the key to Grandpa's farming tractor. As he explained to me what he had done, he revealed why his tractor battery was dead.

"You can't put batteries on cement," I said as I held the neckline of my dress together with one hand and pulled the choke of the tractor with the other, "it'll suck all the energy out of them. It's called _science_."

"Really? Ha, well guess this is another chapter in the 'City Boy Fails at Farming' series..." his voice trailed off from slight embarrassment as his cheeks flushed. My cheeks were flushed too, but for a different reason.

"Oh, hey Stu."

Stu walked into the barn and looked displeased with the scene of me scantily-clad on a tractor, alone with a guy. Stu isn't as tall as Jack and he has a somewhat stocky build, especially when compared to Jack's more lithe appearance. His hair is a dark, dark brown like mine except his is almost jet black whereas mine has a bit more dimension in the color. Not so much a fan of Jack, Stu didn't even acknowledge him as he walked over to me.

"What'dya do, flood the engine again?" Stu attempted to take over as I continued to turn the key a few more times.

"I think she's got it."

And just as Jack said that, the engine to the old tractor started and I revved the gas pedal with a smile. Stu wasn't amused.

"Well, I came to tell you Barley is over our place with Ellen, he was afraid he would get caught in the storm, but guess you're too busy to care about that," he looked over at Jack with a menacing glare, "I'll come back when you're not so busy."

"Okay, see ya," I said without even looking in his direction as he left.

I went with Jack to his farm and helped by bringing the animals into the barn while he used the tractor to move plants and other items inside so that they wouldn't be ruined by the impending storm. The wind had really picked up and my dress was flying up along with my hair as I raced against the storm. After all the animals were safely inside the barn I walked back out into the fields. The grass whipped around at my bare legs violently and a sheet of rain could be seen coming our way, obscuring everything around us. Even though it was mid-afternoon, the sky was a dark ominous shade of grayish-green. The first rumbles of thunder could be heard from the mountains as I flung my arms out and shouted up at the sky.

"Show me what you've got, Harvest Goddess!"

Jack stood at the entrance of the barn looking out at the imminent storm that was approaching him.

"You better be careful what you ask for!"

Suddenly, a huge bolt of lightening came crashing down. It was so bright that my eyes saw only white for a moment and the crack was loud enough to make my ears ring. Without hesitation, I darted across the field and into the barn. We laughed, both of us aware of how powerless we were against the forces of nature that controlled us.

"Should we wait and let it pass...or go now while we have the chance?" We looked out across the distance we'd have to traverse to make it.

"Let's go now."

I ran headstrong into the storm and never looked back. At first, I was a little scared but I pushed through as the lightening cracked and the thunder trumpeted out from the clouds. Once I started running I felt alive, even excited, as the rain came down in sheets across the land. After we made it inside, we stood in the doorway together and watched in awe as tree limbs and other debris swept past. The storm was in full force.

"This is going to be intense," I said with excitement, "are you nervous?"

"A little bit," he admitted, "I just don't know what to expect."

I turned around to look up at him. He did look nervous, but there was an unmistakable spark of excitement in his eyes as he looked out beyond the glass.

"Well, there's nothing we can do now. It's going to happen and we don't have any control over it."

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><p>Author's Note: OOOOHH Are they talking literally about the storm, or metaphorically about something else? YOU DECIDE! ;D<p> 


	5. The Calm Before The Storm

**Chapter 5: The Calm Before The Storm**

The white sundress clung to my body, slightly transparent from the rain and revealing a bit of my bathing suit underneath. Even though I wasn't cold, a shiver overtook my body as I held my arms across my chest.

"Let me get you a towel."

Jack walked off towards the back of the house and I was left to my own devices; and by that I mean I was off in la-la land, letting my heart beat a little more rapidly as I began to fully register my present situation. I looked around the room, noting details I didn't notice during my birthday party like the little trinkets and papers with his handwriting on them which were scattered about in a discernible pattern that revealed his compulsive tendencies. I thought back to that day and thanked the stars for aligning in such a way to bring me here again.

"Thanks," I said as I patted my hair with the towel, "I guess I came dressed for the occasion with the bathing suit."

"Ha, yeah ya did," he said as his eyes grazed over me, "do you want something to wear while that dries?"

Images of women in movies with an ironed, button-down dress shirt on and no pants came to my mind. How cute would I look in his over sized shirt, the first few buttons left undone for no practical reason whatsoever and the bottom of the shirt _just _long enough to cover my bottom? Harvest Goddess what did I do to please you?

But instead of a sexy man's dress shirt, he gave me a red and brown flannel and black swooshy shorts; you know, the kind the guys wear in basketball? Yeah. Not so cute on me. But on the bright side, the shirt smelled like him and it was so intoxicating I could have likely passed out from pheromone overdose.

"So, I'm gonna add on to this place," he announced to me from the stove as he poured hot water for tea. I sat cross-legged at his small kitchen table and listened as he told me his plans for renovation.

"Oh, you should totally get an indoor bath! The kind where it's like a hot tub, you know what I mean? Like the hot spring! Only indoors and not as hot... and not used by a bunch of other people."

"Ha, I take it you don't go to the hot spring much?" I shook my head in playful disgust as he set a mug of tea in front of me.

"No, it's too hot!"

"It'll cool down." I gave him a perplexed look until I realized he was being pedantic.

"Not the tea! So yeah, it's hot and it's outside and... I don't know, I like taking a bath, but not in someone else's bathwater!"

He smiled at me as he supped at his steaming mug, appearing to be genuinely considerate of my suggestions to him about his house. Worried that I was coming off too emotionally invested in what kind of upgrades he made to _his_ house, I decided to quit talking and drink my tea. The wind was howling outside and the lights started to flicker.

"Maybe you should call Barley and let him know you're safe, he's probably worried."

I sat on his couch with my legs underneath me as I pulled the old phone close. I dialed Ellen's house, I knew the number off the top of my head because it was also Stu's house, and I half expected him to pick up the phone. Thankfully, I got his sister, Elli, instead.

"Oh, hi honey! I'm glad you're inside. Hold on, let me get your Grandfather," said Elli in her soft, motherly voice on the other end of the line. As I waited for Grandpa to get on the phone, I looked over at Jack as he watched the storm beyond the window. The profile of his face periodically lit up from the lightning outside, drawing even more attention to his oh-so proportionate facial features.

"Thank you little Elli...oh damn, how do you work this thing?...oh yes, right here it is...*rustling*...hello...oh wait a minute..." I waited patiently while he got himself figured out on the other end of the line, "ah-ha!...May?"

"Hi Grandpa! I just wanted to call and let you know I'm at Jack's house."

"Oh, that's good. You'll be safe there. His old farmhouse is built on a better foundation than ours, why I remember his grandfather, Pete, and old man Gotz building that place back in..."

As Grandpa talked on, Jack came over to sit next to me on the couch. As much as I was interested in listening to Grandpa's stories, I couldn't wait to get off the phone and give my full attention to Jack.

"...well you tell Jack I said thank you for taking care of you."

"Hey, I can take care of myself, Grandpa! But yeah, I'll tell him 'thanks' since you asked..." I said as I smiled over at Jack.

Once I got off the phone, I rested my head on the back of the couch and looked over at Jack who was already looking at me. We stayed like that for a moment until his face started to give way to a smile.

"It's so hard to take you seriously dressed like that."

"As if you ever take me seriously anyway," I said, only half-joking. His smile faded.

"Why wouldn't I take you seriously?"

"I'm just kidding," I said, only half-lying.

We talked on and on like that for a long time. Eventually, the storm started to die down and nightfall had set in. I thought that it all felt so comfortable, so good, so _right_. But I knew better. Even though I've entertained the idea that my feelings for Jack extend beyond that of a crush, I really _really_ try to keep that in check. No matter how well we get a long, or how much he laughs at my jokes, or how many times we seem to 'accidentally' run into each other, it's emotionally dangerous to pretend that we are meant to be together. And I'm not dumb, I know how it is, I know that there will most likely never be anything more between us than friendship. But as our conversation began to fade, leaving only the sound of the rain between us, I noticed that the way he was looking at me, and the way we seemed to be falling closer to each other, might not be my imagination. And for a fleeting moment, I believed not only that it could be something more but that it already was.

My heart skipped a beat.

But instead of us leaning in for a kiss, or admitting our unwavering desire to be with one another despite the obstacles, or him hoisting me up and carrying me into the bedroom, we both jumped up in a start at a knock on the door.

It was Stu. And he didn't look happy when he saw me dressed in clothes that were obviously not my own. I had a fun time explaining that on the walk back home.

"Your Grandpa's on his way back from my place, he should be here in bit," said Stu as I opened the door to my house.

"Okay."

I flipped on the lights in the house and my stomach sank as I felt strong hands suddenly grab me and spin me around. He pulled me close, causing our lips to crash into each other, but not in the oh-so-movie-esque kind of way. I attempted to pull away, but he held me in place and I wasn't strong enough to break from his hold.

"May..." he spoke between rough kisses, "...you're mine."

His hands groped at me and it wasn't pleasant. Finally, I broke free.

"Stop it, Stu," I could tell he was angry so I quickly added, "Grandpa's gonna be back any minute."

And thankfully, that turned out to be true, and Stu left and I went to bed and cried in my pillow. I cried and I cried because what was I doing? I didn't want to be with Stu, but I didn't want to be with Stu because _I wanted to be with Jack._ It was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

But why did it feel so right?


	6. Rough Waters

**Chapter 6: Rough Waters**

"You know I don't like when you do that."

I took another drag off of the cigarette while looking up at him through mascara covered eye lashes.

"Good thing I don't care about what you think then."

Roughly, he pulled the cigarette out of my hand. After he threw it on the ground and snubbed it with his shoe, he gave me a stern look of disapproval and walked back inside the bar. Perturbed, but appearing unfazed, I pulled out my compact mirror and checked my makeup before following him back inside the Inn.

Without Stu accompanying me, I noticed that I received more glances as I walked over to the bar by myself. That night, I wore a black mini skirt and black heels that (I thought) made my legs look unnaturally, yet still attractively, long with a maroon blouse. Never a fan of gold, I wore a silver necklace with matching earrings and bangles. Maybe it was a bit much, but I was still new to the bar scene and I wanted to dress up!

"Aw, has little May come out to play with the big kids?"

I turned to see Karen sitting with her legs crossed at the bar, her trademark wine glass in hand. She wasn't particularly dressed up and her hair looked a bit disheveled. Nonetheless, she was still very attractive.

"Hey, don't tease her," said Rick, her _boyfriend. _She shot him a mean look, then proceeded to gulp down the last bit of wine in her glass.

"Come over here," she said as she pulled a bar stool between her and Rick, "let's have a chat."

Though I was extremely leery of what Karen's intentions were, I tried not to show it and took the seat between them with a smile. She ordered us both a glass of red wine which I would have objected to under different circumstances.

"So," she began, placing her chin on her hands as she looked over at me, "how have you been?"

"I've been good, how have you and _Rick_ been?" I said, intending to be adversarial. I took a sip of the wine, struggling to keep the distaste from showing. Her eyes revealed that she didn't like what I had said.

"We've been _wonderful _actually. And, now that I'm living with Rick, I can't help but notice that you are _always_ over at Jack's place. You're over there practically every other day."

I should have known. But I never would have thought she'd come at me like that in front of her current boyfriend. She was wrong anyway, I was only over there every three days. That's when I made his deliveries.

"We do a lot of business together." She rolled her eyes.

"Ha! _B__usiness,_" she said with obvious sarcasm.

For a brief moment I was relieved to see Stu approaching, but I merely exchanged one bad thing for another. I stood up and moved to the other side of Karen so that I could be next to him, but my thoughtfulness went unnoticed and was instead replied to with an insult.

"You should wear shorter heels or something," he said as we both took our seats at the dimly lit bar counter, "they make you almost as tall as me."

"Mmm, in that case maybe I should get a pair that are a few inches higher."

After that, the four of us talked about mundane things and the night was pretty uneventful as a whole. As my thoughts drifted away from the conversation at hand, my eyes wandered across the bar and that's when I saw that Jack had walked in. All the blood rushed to my stomach, or maybe it was the wine... either way, I started to feel a little ill. He was all smiles and laughter as he made his way across the room, stopping to shake hands with Doug and give Ann a hug. His touch was so gentle. I thought about the way he touched the farm animals, the way he did things with so much strength and so much compassion. I don't think he could ever, _ever _hurt anyone.

"I'm ready to go," Stu announced as he grabbed my purse from the table and began walking away.

"Well, I'm not," I replied in a more snappy tone than I normally would have. Honestly, I didn't want to appear weak in front of Karen. She seemed to have every guy wrapped around her finger, and there I was being led out of the bar like a little kid! I snatched my purse out of his hand but he just kept walking, and it made me even more angry.

The door almost shut in my face as he pushed it out of his way. I shoved it back hard and it made a loud crash, drawing attention to us as we exited the bar.

"What's your problem, Stu?!"

Suddenly he turned on me, his face explicitly marked with anger as he grabbed my upper arm.

"You're my problem. You're acting like a little slut. Trying to get everyone's attention with the skirt, the heels, the makeup... I don't fucking like it!" I looked away as he spoke, ashamed and hurt and pissed off and unable to come up with anything to defend myself. He grabbed by arm tighter, causing me to loose my footing and stumble a bit. Then, he jerked me upwards so that I was forced to look at him. I didn't want to look at him. "You're lucky I put up with you."

"Fuck you, Stu."

If we hadn't been in public, he would have hit me. I could see it in his eyes. I had seen that look before but I had willfully forgotten it. He had told me he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to, and that he'd never _ever_ do it again- no matter how mad he got. But that was a lie and I knew it was a lie, even then. But it hadn't happened for so long and so I started to believe that it was actually true. I didn't make it far before he caught up with me, and somewhere between the Town Square and my house and all the tears and yelling, he grabbed me hard and held me by the jaw. He held me the way you hold a dog's face when it has done something bad. The way you grab someone when you don't respect them. I cried and I begged him to stop as I pushed against his hand that was so much stronger than mine, and he yelled and told me it was my fault and told me I deserved it. He finally let go of me, but he didn't stop. The crack of his hand surged like lightning across my face but I didn't cower. I lunged at him, fists balled, and attempted to strike him but he easily held me back.

"WHY?!" I screamed. It was loud enough for the surrounding houses to hear, but no one came out. No one would want to get involved. I cupped my hands around my face and sobbed, feeling broken and defeated and so alone. And when I looked up I really was alone. There was no Stu and there was no one to see if I was okay and there was no Mother to hold me when I went home.

But I really was bad. I was bad for my thoughts about Jack. Even if I never acted on my feelings, I was still unfaithful to Stu, and that's why I didn't tell anyone what happened. That's why I let all the things he does to me go because maybe it is my fault.

And maybe I do deserve it.


	7. Caught In The Storm

**Chapter 7: Caught In The Storm**

Despite our fight, I had remained in relatively good spirits. I had even talked to Stu the next day, and we agreed to meet at the beach that evening. I told him we needed to talk, and by that I meant that we needed to break up. I was still nervous about talking to him though, so I decided a public place would be best in case things got out of hand. I applied foundation to the area around my neck in an attempt to cover up the faded bruises that had appeared on my face that morning. Part of me didn't want to cover them up; I wanted him to see what he had done. But ultimately that would have made him even more angry at me, and that was the last thing I wanted.

"...May?"

I turned from my vanity and was surprised to see Elli, Stu's older sister, in my room.

"Oh, hi Elli," I got up from the vanity to greet her, "what are you doing here?"

She hesitated to answer. Her gaze drifted down the stairs; Grandpa was sitting in the living room. I assumed she wanted to talk privately so I shut the door and we sat down on my bed. With hands clasped in her lap, she sat upright with good posture as she attempted to speak.

"I...I'm not sure how to start off," she looked up from her hands and at me, tears trapped at the edges of her soft brown eyes, "I want you to know that I understand, and that I'm sorry for my brother's anger problems. You have to be patient with him though. I wasn't there for him the way I should have been when he was growing up, and now he carries a lot of pain in his heart. Please try to be patient with him."

I swallowed hard, unsure of what to say in response.

"He said you two are going to meet at the beach and talk. Is that right?"

"Yes," I answered, not sure if I should elaborate on my intentions to break up with him. But she already knew.

"May, you are the only thing that keeps him from acting out. He needs you. If you aren't in his life, he will have nothing holding him back and he's been so much better since he's been with you... I don't want him to become angry again."

Elli knew? Did he tell her what had happened? No, Stu would never talk about something like that, I knew him well enough to know that. But then, how did she seem to know what was going on? She hadn't been at the bar that night... but it wasn't unlikely that someone who was there had told her about our argument. No one had seen him hit me though, so there's no way she could have known that.

"You know that our parents passed away when I was nine years old and Stu was only two. He never had a mother or a father so he acted out a lot towards me and Grandmama when he got older. When he gets angry sometimes he doesn't realize what he's doing," her hands began to tremble, "he doesn't mean to hurt you, May. He just doesn't realize what he's doing when he gets mad."

She knew. She knew he hit me. She knew because he had hit her too.

I hugged her as she softly cried. We stayed like that for a while, embracing each other while the sun began to sink behind the horizon, casting a warm light into my room. I gave her a tissue to wipe her cheeks, and took one for myself too. There was nothing more said between us.

By the time I had made it to the beach, the sun had already set but the late summer sky was warm and everything was still lit. I saw him standing at the water's edge, hands in his pockets as he looked out on the horizon.

"Hi."

It sounded so meek when I said it, especially when he didn't reply. I stood there next to him in silence until we decided to find a spot on the pier to sit.

"I'm sorry, Stu," I said as we looked out at the ocean to avoid looking at each other, "I'm sorry for upsetting you."

"Upsetting me?" his voice cracked when he said it, "you're tearing me a part. I like you so- no, I love you, May. I love you so much but I know you don't feel the same."

I always thought that when I heard the words "I love you" for the first time, it would feel wonderful, magical. It would feel_ right_. But it didn't feel like any of those things. Honestly, I hardly noticed he said it because it seemed so meaningless. And what could I say? I didn't want to tell him he was right, so I didn't say anything at all. He continued on, most of it just angry remarks about the previous night that I didn't object to. Then he said something I couldn't let go.

"...and you're so immature. You think the whole world revolves around you and what you want. You're still just a little girl."

"No, I'm not. I'm not a little girl and you know I don't like when you say that to me," my eyes began to swell up with tears, "why do you say things just to hurt me? That's why we never get anywhere when we talk!"

"We never get anywhere because you don't understand how relationships work."

"Fine, you know what, you're right. I don't know how relationships work and I'm done trying to figure it out," he looked startled as I stood up, "we need to break up."

"Break up? _Break up?!_" he stood up and held me by the shoulders, "May, I just told you I_ love_ you. This isn't some little kid shit, this is real life and this is real love. You don't just _break up_."

I started to cry because I realized this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

"I don't want to be with you..."

"And so you want to be with _him_?"

"No!" I yelled, shocked that he was aware of my emotional affair with Jack.

"He wouldn't want a little girl like you anyway. Maybe for a little while, but it would get old, and after he fucked you and got what he wanted he'd leave you."

I bit my lip in anger. I was angry because I didn't like what he said, and I was afraid it might be true. Was I really so immature?

"I don't want to be with him," I said truthfully because I believed that what he said about Jack could be true, despite the fact Jack himself had never given me a reason to think it, "and I don't want to be with you either."

"So you want to be with a bunch of other guys? Wow, that's even better."

"No! I don't! I just want to be by myself, Stu, I don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I'm done." I broke away from his grip and began to walk off the pier just as the lights in town began to flicker to life.

"If you leave me now, I'll never take you back!" he yelled as I walked through the sand back towards home, "I'm done with you! And no one will ever believe your stories, so don't even try to ruin my reputation by telling people bullshit."

Heart on fire, I kept walking and never looked back. And I didn't tell anyone any stories. I didn't have to.

The next morning I laid in bed with a cold rag on my face to alleviate the bruises that still plagued my jaw. Grandpa's eyes weren't good enough to notice, but I was afraid of other people seeing it. I planned to just stay around the house for the next couple days and avoid everyone, especially Jack, but fate had something else in mind.

"May!" called Grandpa from the bottom of the stairs. He only came upstairs when he absolutely had to because it was becoming increasingly harder for him to do it.

"What Grandpa?!" I called from my room, not wanting to traverse the stairs out of pure laziness.

"I need that ol' tractor, the one you took to ol' man Pete's place...er, I mean Jake's place." I smiled to myself, knowing that Grandpa was just forgetful and he meant Jack.

I decided to leave my hair down to hide what the makeup couldn't, and made my way to Jack's farm to pickup the tractor he had borrowed from us the day the big storm had hit. Seeing Karen and Rick out in their yard, I decided to take the long way through the woods as not to pass by them. The warm summer breeze blew through the trees and the locusts sang loudly as I made my way down the familiar dirt road. I loved the sound of locusts in the summertime. Even though I tried to focus on the warm summer air, my thoughts drifted to Stu and I wondered if he would come by my house today to talk me into getting back together with him and that caused a sick, lurching feeling in my stomach. When I saw Jack outside, dressed in his work clothes and sweating from the summer heat, I couldn't help but smile. And for a brief moment, I really did forget about all my worries as a sense of calmness washed over me.

"Haven't seen you in a while," he said as he used the rag around his neck to dab the sweat off of his oh-so tanned skin, "your hair looks nice, you don't usually wear it down."

Oh, Jack, any other time I would love for you to compliment the little changes in my appearance. But his observation took away the sense of calmness I had previously had, and replaced it with the painful reminder of why I had my hair down.

I followed him into the barn to get the tractor. Making as little effort as possible to engage in lengthy conversation, I kept my answers short and tried to appear rushed. Of course I _wanted_ to talk to him, but I was making a conscious effort to focus more on myself and less on my little-girl-fantasies. My heart wasn't ready for what happened next.

"May..." I felt his touch, his fingers overlaid perfectly on the muddied, purple bruises on the inside of my lower arm. I had forgotten all about those. Even on my tender, bruised skin, his touch was so gentle, so warm. So unlike Stu's. "What happened?"

"I don't know...I must've hit it on something while working with Grandpa," I said as I pulled my arm away gently, my cheeks growing warm from the encounter. He wasn't convinced. We looked at each other for a long moment, and I noticed for the first time a bit of yellow and green hidden in the facets of his brown eyes. "Can't hide anything from you, can I?"

"If I see him, he's going to wish he never put his hands on you like that," he took a deep breath, "does your Grandpa know?"

"No!" I shot back quickly, inadvertently affirming his suspicions. Regaining my composure and not wanting to to reveal anything more I added, "and don't you tell him either. Please."

"I won't. But I think you should. You need to tell someone." I realized he wasn't going to let this go and I started to become frustrated.

"It's not a big deal, it was my fault and I shouldn't have-"

"No, May, I don't care what you did no one deserves to be treated like that."

His voice was stern, but his eyes were still soft as they looked down at me. I started to cry. I didn't want to but I couldn't help it. Without hesitation he wrapped his arms around me and held my head against his chest. Trying my best to stay focused on my resolution to stifle my feelings for him, I pulled away from his embrace even though I didn't want to.

"I'm okay...really," I said more in an attempt to convince myself, "I can take care of myself."

"I know," he said as his features took on an expression I hadn't seen before, "I know you can take care of yourself, but you don't always have to. I care about you, May... if you ever need me, even just to talk, please don't think twice." When I didn't reply, he continued, "and I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to. And I'll kick any ones ass if you need me to."

A small laugh escaped from my chest. Though it was tempting, I decided to not take him up on his offer and, instead, keep to myself as I had planned.

"Thanks, Jack."

After getting what I came for, I left as quickly as possible, letting the event reply over and over in my head as I rushed home. I finally had something to hold onto, something that made me feel like he didn't see me as just a little girl, something to make me think that he thought of me as something more. But I couldn't let myself think like that. Unable to fully push aside Stu's unwarranted accusations towards Jack, I used that as a way to force his genuine words out of my mind.

But not out of my heart.


	8. A Glimpse of Sunlight

**Chapter 8: A Glimpse of Sunlight**

The summer days grew longer, but I didn't really notice because the longer the days became, the more work there was to do. And every three days like clockwork, I made a delivery to Jack's farm.

"Jack! You have enough fodder to last three seasons!" I exclaimed as I helped him unload his order one day. I had even started to notice that he had so much animal medicine that it wouldn't fit in his shed.

"Yeah, well, I like to be prepared I guess." He said it almost as a joke. I gave him a sly smile.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were ordering all this just to see me." He didn't object, but I didn't push it any further.

Unless I made a delivery to his farm, I didn't go out of my way to see him. But it was starting to seem like he was going out of his way to see me.

"You remind me so much of Aja, your dark_ luscious_ locks and those deep eyes I could stare into them forever... you're so beautiful," mused a very drunk and very creepy Harris. The few times I went to the bar since the incident with Stu, I went alone, so I was always vulnerable to the drunken ramblings of single men. I sipped at my oh-so watered down drink, always waiting until the ice had melted to mask the taste of the liquor.

"Hey, hope I'm not interrupting." I smiled wide as Jack pulled out the seat to my right. Harris pursed his lips and looked away as all my attention left him.

"Hi, Jack! Nope. You aren't interrupting anything," I said as I very obviously welcomed his presence. Eventually, Harris got the hint and left as Jack and I talked about farm-related topics.

"So... I felt like he was bothering you, so I came over to help you out," he said abruptly in the middle of our conversation about the proper technique for making cheese from cow's milk, "I don't want to intrude, but I'd love to keep talking."

"I'd love that too," I admitted as he took a drink of his beer. He always drank a light beer, sometimes with a lime floating in the bottle or an orange slice. A bit of a worried expression plagued his face.

"I just wanted to make sure, I kinda get the impression you've been avoiding me lately."

"I have," I answered bluntly, "But not because I've wanted to. I love seeing you it's just...well, I'm trying not to be selfish." Unable to decode my cryptic message, his expression didn't change so I continued to explain myself. "I... well, people talk about us, about how I'm so much younger and you're so much older and it's weird that we hang around each other so much, and I just don't want to make problems for you so-"

He started to laugh. Then I was the one with the worried expression on my face.

"Sorry, it's just cute because you're explaining it to me as if I wasn't already aware." His usage of 'cute' wasn't the most endearing term he could have used. I hated to be described with words that were reserved for animals and little kids. I squinted my eyes at him in a less-than-pleased but not-really-angry way.

"Well, you've never acted like you were aware of what other people thought about us."

"That's because I don't really care," then his tone went from confident to almost bashful, "but, if it's causing _you_ problems then I care about that. And if you want to not hang out so much, I understand."

"No no no!" I exclaimed, a little too loud, "no, that's not what I meant! I want to keep hanging out, if you're okay with it."

"I'm very okay with it."

We talked on and on at the bar that night. I tried a whiskey sour, then a dirty shirley, then a beer even though he told me not to mix the liquor with beer. And we laughed about silly things and I talked about my Mother and he talked about his life before Mineral Town and I asked him a bunch of questions and listened intently to all his answers. There may have been a million snickers and whispers about us that night, but if there were I didn't notice any of them. I was in my own little world with him and it was perfect.

But in the very back of my mind remained the unfounded fear that he was only interested in hanging out with me for sex. Despite the alcohol and the butterflies in my stomach, my resolve to not act on my emotions remained. It was so hard though, especially when every look he gave me made me wonder what his lips would feel like on mine. And we talked to each other so easily, so naturally. It felt like it was real. But I could't be too sure.

It didn't seem long before the summer days began to fade and the sun burned less intensely as the vibrant leaves began to fall ever so slowly. It was the day of the Cow Festival, held annually at our Yodel Ranch during the last week of August, and though it was not an inherently romantic festival, that year turned out to be a little different.

I patted the soft, toffee-colored coat of my cow Bess as the judges left. She was a beautiful brown Swiss cow, a breed considered to be the oldest of all the dairy breeds, and I took great pride in caring for her. Although I didn't like to choose favorites among the animals, she had the most docile disposition of all our livestock and I couldn't help but like her more than all her brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, she didn't win and that was because Jack's huge Holstein cow and it's oh-so typical black and white coat won over the not so cow-literate crowd.

"Sorry to steal the show from you and Bess," he teased as the crowd bustled around us.

"You're a turd," I said as I jammed the bronze medal into my pocket, "you only won because you're a newbie, and I've already won three times." He chuckled, never put off by my sassy attitude. Sometimes, he seemed to enjoy it.

"I was going to share the credit though, everything I know about raising cows is because of you." Oh, I loved when he said things like that. Could he tell how it made me swoon? I hoped not.

"Yeah, oh-kay," I said with a smile to show I appreciated the compliment. He helped me board Bess into the stable and then I helped him take his cow, Bella, back to his place. The festival attendees, including Elli and Karen, made no attempt to hide their curious glances aimed in our direction.

"Oh, Jack, how _scandalous _we are," I exclaimed sarcastically as we made our way down the country lane towards his place, cow in tow, "the town will be talking for the next week about this."

"About what? We haven't given them anything to talk about _yet_."

"Yet?" I questioned, suddenly excited and simultaneously nervous about what he might have meant. When he didn't reply quick enough I continued talking, pointing out that regardless of what _actually_ happened between us, the rumors would still be the same and then I suggested that we might as well make the most of it. I laughed but he only sighed, a smile gracing his face as he walked on.

"Oh May, if only you were a little bit older," he confessed.

"Is that the only thing holding you back?" I asked too quickly. A stillness fell between us and I immediately regretted asking him. I regretted asking him because I would have rather lived in my fantasy world of what-ifs for the rest of my life than face the fact that he might not feel the same way I do. But he didn't answer, and I wasn't sure whether that was better or worse than if he had.

We made small talk as we boarded Bella and he seemed to stall by asking me some questions about cows that he had already asked me a million times before. Eventually, we ran out of things to say and I wasn't sure if I should bring up what I said earlier and apologize, or just let it go and hope he didn't hold it against me. As we stood in the entrance of the barn, the cool evening air rushed between us, the distance growing shorter and shorter. And the evening sky was at that moment were it gets just a little bit brighter behind the clouds, the moment right before the sun sets. Everything started to glow.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," I blurted out as we stood in the bright twilight, my heart racing from the rush of confronting him, "I should have never asked that... I-"

I had imagined the moment so many times before, lying on my bed just day-dreaming the day away to the thought of him. Sometimes, I pictured it in a vast field of wildflowers at the top of Mother's Hill, or during a sunset on the beach. There were so many variations. It was raining, it was sunny, there was a breeze, everything was still. Sometimes, he would angle my chin up to bring my lips to his, other times he'd grab me hungrily and brace me as I fell backwards. But most of the time, in my fantasy, he'd just ask for permission with his eyes as his arms wrapped around my waist before taking me under.

And that's exactly how it happened.

But I had never imagined anything after that. My heart raced in nervous desire as the warmth of his lips hovered over mine in silent hesitation. His scent was intoxicating as my hands found their way around his neck, brushing past his cheeks that were roughened by his facial hair. Softly, our lips met again, then with a swift gradation of intensity that caused me to hold on to him as if he were the only stable thing in my dizzying world. I'm not sure if it was my mouth that parted first or his, but once we fell so deep the space between us was indistinguishable.

Before I knew it, my back was pressed against the frame of the barn door, the soft rustling of the animals was the only reminder that there was a reality outside of that moment. I was in his arms and I was standing and I was spinning and I don't think I was even breathing and it felt so good.

It felt so right.


	9. The Eye of the Storm

**Chapter 9: The Eye of the Storm**

The days were becoming shorter, and for once I _did_ notice that because I never seemed to have enough time with him. During those days, I'd rush to get my work done, or hurry to get what Grandpa needed from the store, then I'd run to his place to hang out before I had to be back home for the evening. There never seemed to be enough time in the day to do everything I wanted to do.

On one particularly beautiful fall day, he asked me to come with him for a hike up on Mother's Hill under the guise that we were going to look for wild herbs. Sounded cool to me, so I hurried around the Yodel Ranch and yelled goodbye to Grandpa as he and Hana dozed off on the front porch.

"Hey can I put my camera in your ruck sack... why did you bring a ruck sack anyway?" I asked him once the conversation had died down and I had become more observant. The trees were blazing with color for miles and miles around us. It was almost too much to take in.

"It's a long way up and we might get hungry, so I brought some stuff," he said as he took my camera and gingerly placed it in his pack. Seemed like a reasonable response, so I didn't question him any further. Instead, I let my mind wander back to the infinite array of colors that surrounded me.

As we made our way up the mountain path, we heard people talking. In the distance, I could see Mary, one of the few girls in town who I got along with, and her family. I was still nervous about being seen with Jack one-on-one and I wasn't sure what to make of our current situation. Were we dating? Had we just kissed? I was too afraid to ask.

"Jack! May! Wow, its great to see youngsters out here in nature! Too often, your generation likes to stay inside, but everyone can benefit from getting out and enjoying nature!" exclaimed Basil, Mary's father and a renowned botanist. He looked over to his wife and daughter for confirmation, and they both nodded their head in silent agreement.

"So what are _you two_ doing out?" asked Anna, Mary's mother, in a tone that alerted me that whatever I said would be transmitted to the rest of the town via her gossip posse i.e. Sasha and Manna.

"We are looking for wild grass and herbs," I answered quickly as to dispel any ideas she may have been conjuring up. She smiled pleasantly at my response though. I noticed that her face was very pretty, and I realized Mary looked a lot like her mom.

"Oh! How wonderful! In the autumn you can find just about any strain of wild grass up here, from green to red to blue, but some are poisonous so watch how you handle them! If you want, I can help you and -"

Mary giggled softly and informed her father that he had helped us enough, and that if we had any questions we'd seek his assistance. I caught a look in her eyes when she said that, something that made me feel like she knew about Jack and I and that she approved. It was just a suspicion though. Either way, I liked Mary.

Still highly concerned with finding wild herbs on my own, it took me a while to realize that Jack had been scoping out the area for something else. When I asked, he said he was looking for a good place to sit. I was confused; a place to sit? I wasn't even tired, and the hike wasn't _that_ long, so why would we be looking for a place to sit?

"Hmmm," I thought out-loud as we ascended to the flat right before the peak of Mother's Hill, "these are all magic red flowers, I don't think we'll find any herbs growing out in the open with all these flowers." He started to chuckle. I turned to look at him as he stood amongst the endless sea of orange and red flowers, the rolling hills fading infinitely behind him. I'll always remember that image.

"Would you be disappointed if I said that's not why we came up here?"

I felt a rush of warmth to my cheeks. Though his plan was extremely sweet, I felt a little embarrassed that I had fallen for it so easily and wondered if that made him think less of me.

"I uhm...no... no, I'm not disappointed," I finally blurted out, "I just feel silly for not realizing it sooner!" He smiled, pleased that he had outwitted me (for once).

"I'm glad you didn't though, it would have ruined it," he said as he started to unpack his rucksack that was filled with way more than 'snacks.' There were all kinds of things; food, a blanket, a little battery-powered lantern, and a bottle of what looked like wine. I just stood there taking it all in, not sure of how to express my gratitude because it was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever done for me. And when I thought of all the other things he had already done for me, like the birthday party, I felt myself becoming even more choked up.

"What's wrong?" he asked as we sat on the blanket, a cool breeze causing the field of flowers to move like waves around us. It was as if we were on a boat floating in the middle of a vast, crimson sea and I was starting to feel a little sea-sick.

"Nothing!" I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself by looking out at the scenery, "...I'm just...really happy." I looked back to find him smiling at me, that forever gentle and infinitely understanding smile, and I could feel myself smiling back.

"If you're happy, I'm happy."

It was such a simple thing to say. And to this day, it is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.

It didn't seem like much time had passed at all, but before I knew it we had eaten all the food, taken a few pictures, and talked about everything from college to our families to site-seeing to farming. So many things. I was sad once I noticed that the sun had started its decent behind the mountain peak, casting much of our little ocean in shadow, and soon, in darkness. He turned on the lantern which emitted a soft glow upwards onto his face. Oh, how handsome he was. Truly. And whatever it was that made him beautiful was beyond his facial features and came from somewhere deeper.

"So, I brought white wine because neither of us like red wine," he said, remembering a moment between us that seemed so long ago, "you don't have to drink any, but I thought you might like to try it."

As he poured the wine into a mug that wasn't made for wine drinking, I made my way over to his side of the blanket and curled up next to him. It had started to get much cooler, and the mountain air was already cool to begin with. I tried the white wine and decided it wasn't bad at all, so I finished my glass quite quickly. With a bit of liquid courage, I nuzzled my head under his arm and onto his chest then pushed him down onto the blanket. I laughed softly as I laid on his chest, looking down at him as he smiled up at me.

"I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not dreaming," I proclaimed as his hands rested on my lower back. We stayed like that for a moment, then his hands moved up my back as he brought my lips down to meet his. We couldn't just kiss and come up for air though, we always dove so deep and kept pulling the other one farther and farther down. Our hands couldn't stop moving, and every touch seemed electrifying as I felt the goosebumps rising on my skin. I bit his lower lip, somewhat breaking the moment as I giggled. Suddenly, he scooped me up and held me as he laid me back down on the blanket.

"Oohh, so you like a little bit of biting?" I teased, trying to subdue the butterflies in my stomach from him being on top of me. He looked down at me, his expression was soft and somewhat serious.

"May, I... I don't want to do anything you don't want to do. I just want to make sure you know that," he stumbled over his words, and I could tell he was a little nervous. I reached up and pulled him down by the neck and kissed him again.

"I don't give it up on the first date, Jack, what kind of girl do you think I am?" He laughed, his cheeks a warmer shade than they usually were.

"I didn't mean that I just, I just wanted to say it now... and we don't have to keep this a secret, and I don't care what any one says about it. But it might be a little harder for you than me, so whatever you want to do is fine by me."

He laid down next to me and I rested my head on his shoulder as we watched the sky fade away. We talked about us, about how it really wasn't _so_ strange that we'd fall for each other and how he wasn't _that_ much older than me. I asked him if he thought I was immature, and he told me I was more mature than any girl he'd been close to before. It was hard for me to think that I could be more mature than Karen! He described their relationship, and told me how their time was filled with petty fights and unnecessary drama. I refrained from talking about Stu, I didn't want to explain everything that had happened between us.

"You're my closest friend. You have been for a long time, as silly as that sounds." He pulled me close to his chest.

"I've felt that way too. You're the only person I can talk to openly, and don't have to worry that I've offended them."

"Yeah, because when you offend me I tell you," I propped my head up on my arm so that I could look at him while I talked, "I've always been kind sad though that I've never had a girl friend. You know, someone to talk about boys with or paint your finger nails or...whatever girls do! That's one of the reasons I really want to go to college."

"What would you study?" he asked, genuinely curious. I looked up in thought.

"Hmm, I dunno. I've thought about some type of animal science but I've studied animals my whole life...maybe fashion design or advertising, something fun and different than what I've done before."

"If you study somewhere in the city, there will be so many options that you won't even know where to begin. That's how I felt." I could feel my face lighting up as I imagined the city lights and the hustle and bustle of so many different kinds of people.

"Oh tell me about it! I want to travel too, not just from Mineral Town to the city, but to other countries! I want to see Paris and Tokyo and Dubai... and wherever else there is! I'm sure the city alone would keep me entertained though." He smiled as I talked on and on.

"You should do all of those things."

"I will," I declared confidently, then I added, "but not any time soon."

"Why?"

"...because I can't leave Grandpa alone. And as much as I want to go, I want to be with him more. I feel bad because what if he lives for a really long time? Like until he's 100? I'll be almost 40 then!" he laughed at my faux-hysteria, "I want him to live for a long time, but I also want to experience things and get out of Mineral Town."

"You think if you left, you'd want to come back?" I didn't even have to think about my answer.

"I'd come back."


	10. A New Emotion

Author's Note: Hey there, guys! I just wanted to pop in and say hello. I know I haven't been keeping up on my other stories recently, but my interests have just been elsewhere. Don't worry though, all of my stories are complete it's just a matter of editing/adding in the necessary details for continuity :) I want to thank you guys because I know I write with characters that aren't very popular right now, as they are from the older games, but it makes me happy that there are people out there enjoying my writing!

I'm trying to make it seem like May is aging as the story goes on. I want there to be a noticeable contrast between these later chapters and the earlier chapters. How am I doing with that?

Also, I try to warn you of lemons/limes within the text, meaning the character may be drinking lemonade or have a lime in their drink. I don't always do it this way, but I try to when I can.

_That being said, this chapter is **RATED M FOR LIMES.**_

**Chapter 10: A New Emotion**

What does it mean to love someone?

Love is one of those things you spend so much time thinking about, but you never quite figure it out. I used to think that "love" was just a blanket term for tolerating someone's shitty behavior and accepting them for all their flaws. Those things may be true, but there is definitely something more to it than that, though I still haven't figured that part out.

I love Grandpa. He has been the only true family I've ever had, playing the role of both Grandfather and Father for me which is a task he didn't have to take. But he did, and he did it so well. For that, I am forever grateful.

His condition had declined rapidly during those cool, fall days. Much of my time was spent taking care of the animals , though I only did the bare minimum as I just was not capable of doing it all on my own. It scared me. It was the first taste of life without him and I was so scared. But I didn't show it.

"Grandpa, are you hungry?"

"No, baby-babe, I'm fine," he said with tired eyes as he sat on the couch in the wood-paneled living room. I didn't want to leave his side for fear that when I did, he wouldn't be there when I came back.

"Well, how about we watch some TV?" my hands were already fumbling for the remote as the rain pelted on the window glass, falling like tears, "look, Grandpa, there are trains on this station. Wanna watch this?"

"Yeah, that's good... boy, I love those old trains. Why, me and your Grandmother used to ride the old steam trains all the time back and forth between here and Forget-Me-Not Valley just to see each other for a few hours. Now that they've cut that hill away, you can just walk it." As I imagined a younger Grandpa, a knock on the door brought me back to my melancholy reality. A sinking feeling washed over me as I walked to the door. I was afraid it would be Stu. I hadn't seen him since the day we broke up at the beach and I feared that he had learned about Jack and I. Though nothing more than kissing had happened between us by that point, who knew what kind of rumors were floating around.

"Hey May."

I loved the way he said my name.

"Jack!" the words came tumbling happily out of my mouth, "oh, come in it's raining!"

"Who is it, May? Oh Jake! Er...I mean Jack! How are you boy," rambled Grandpa as he struggled to get off of the couch to properly greet him. I tried to convince him to sit back down, but to no avail. Grandpa always kept pushing on and no matter how tough it got, he never showed it.

"How are you feeling, Barley? I thought I'd come over and see if you guys needed any help." Grandpa went on to answer Jack's first question with quite a long-winded response, explaining some ailments that were a bit personal. I watched as Jack kept eye contact with Grandpa, nodding as he spoke and genuinely listening. He was so kind.

"...I was just telling May about the ol' steam train that used to run between here and Forget-Me-Not Valley, it ran through that path north-west up near Mother's Hill, you know where I mean, right? Well, anyway, me and Margaret, that's my wife, that was the only way we'd see each other until we were married! And there was...ah, a good nine years between me and her, her parents didn't like me too much so I'd have to bring her here to Mineral Town, but age doesn't matter especially once you get old and gray like me..."

I felt my heart skip a beat when Grandpa said that. Before then, I never knew there was such a large age gap between my Grandma and Grandpa. As he continued talking, I felt the heat rise through my neck and I briefly met eyes with Jack. He shot me a quick smile, both of us acknowledging the the potential meaning hidden between the lines.

It didn't take long for us to complete the few tasks that remained unfinished at my farm, so I offered to help him back at his place. Despite Grandpa telling me that he was feeling fine, I still felt a ping of sadness as I left him behind and followed Jack.

"Well, we pretty much received Barley's blessing," joked Jack as he slid the door open to his stable, a cool autumn breeze rustling the leaves at our feet as the rain continued to fall in soft pellets.

"Ha, yeah, and as long as he approves it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks," I agreed as I petted Prince, the horse I had helped him raise for the past three years. "...it doesn't matter to me at least," I added, hoping for agreement from him.

He didn't agree with words but, instead, with his hands - his hands that made me feel so safe, and so small. They rested on my hips as his warm, kaleidoscopic brown-green-yellow eyes met mine. Always they met, for that brief moment where he searched for permission to go further. And I always granted it.

Slowly at first, we set out to sea. It didn't take long until the waves came crashing over us though, causing us to grip onto one another to stay a float. The skin on his neck was slightly dampened from the rain as my lips wondered away from his. His grip tightened around my waist as he pressed himself against me, letting me know that he enjoyed what I was doing. It felt so good to be wanted, _desired_, in such a way that I never had until being with him. Suddenly, he hoisted me up, causing my heart to beat even more rapidly. My legs were wrapped around his waist, and his lips on _my_ neck as he gently pushed me up against the wooden panels of the horse stable. I slid down the wall as he held my leg in place around his waist, my other leg quivering as it met with the ground. I couldn't help but let a small sigh escape from my lips as he continued to wander further down my neck, the strap of my top falling off of one shoulder. I wanted him so bad, but I was nervous that I'd mess up somehow. I wasn't even sure what was happening, but whatever it was I didn't want it to stop.

Lightly, his hand grazed my inner thigh, the skin exposed by the shorts I was wearing. I tensed up in apprehensive desire as his fingers moved between the fabric and my skin, my own fingers lacing through the hair at the nape of his neck. I pulled him down as he pushed into me, the warmth of his palm encompassing the whole region as he moved in and out of me, tentatively at first and then gradually with more intensity. I whimpered softly in his ear until I couldn't take it anymore. My breath caught as he plunged deeper into me and I let out a loud moan, startling poor Prince who had to bear witness to it all. I grabbed his wrist as he pulled out of me and brought it up to my lips, sucking on his wet fingers because I had read that in a book once and always wanted to try it. Hastily, he pulled his fingers out of my mouth and replaced them with his tongue. My hands trembled as I fumbled with his belt, not sure of what I was planning to do once I got it undone.

The sound of his zipper, and his hand holding my breast, and the rain falling outside, and the warmth of his breath on my lips - it was all almost too much to handle. And then I felt him in my hand, and I gripped him tight, unable to hold all of him as I began to pump it back and forth. The hay on the ground cushioned the fall as my knees fell to the ground, pulling him into my mouth. He braced himself with his hands on the wall as he thrust gently into my mouth, but once I coughed he stopped and didn't do it anymore. I felt bad for that, wondering if that meant I wasn't good because I couldn't handle all of him, but his expression suggested otherwise as I looked at up from my spot below him. I could feel his pulse in my mouth, my hand becoming wet with each pump.

"May... I'm close."

_'Close to what?'_ I wondered. I wasn't a virgin, but I wasn't all that experienced either so his statement caught me off guard. All of a sudden, I felt his muscles tense up and a rush of warm liquid surged into my mouth. Then it happened again, only with more pressure, and I attempted to swallow it without gagging. But I did gag and I felt really bad about that.

"That was a lot..." I said as I looked up at him, trying to stop myself from gagging again.

"I tried to warn you so you didn't have to do that..." he said as he smiled down at me, his cheeks flushed with pleasure as his hand pushed the hair out of my face. I felt a bit defeated, but managed to laugh a little too.

"Well, what was I supposed to do? Spit it out?"

"Haha, you could have done whatever you wanted... whatever you would have done would have been hot."

I was too caught up in nervous embarrassment to realize it then, but we had really great chemistry with one another. It would take years, and a few bad experiences with some _really_ bad guys, to look back on that moment and realize that it was the little things that people did that mattered the most.


	11. Crocodile Rock

_****LEMONS LEMONS LEMONS LEMONS LEMONS LEMONS ******LEMONS REALLY SOUR LEMONS LEMONS LEMONS ****_******_LEMONS_******************  
><strong>****

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter 11: Crocodile Rock<strong>

The days seemed to get a little bit warmer, and everything seemed to be a little bit brighter.

I didn't know that it would be the last time I'd see sunshine for a long time.

Though it was late in the fall season, the weather had gotten a little warmer. Grandpa told me that the oldtimers called it an "indian summer" as we loaded the last bit of field grass into the silo. He had been feeling better, and even working like he used to, and I started to become optimistic that things were getting better with his health.

"I'm so happy you're feeling good, Grandpa!" Hana trotted at my feet as I led Grandpa back into the house. The evening air was oddly warm, and the stars were so bright that they were beginning to show through the hazy pink sky that evening. Even though there were still times when I looked out at the sky and imagined what it looked like as the backdrop to a city skyline, I knew that there would always be a part of me that loved this place. Nothing could ever compare to the soft hum of the night, the warmth of Grandpa's laugh, the strong mountain wind reminding me that there was something bigger than myself. I could never really leave that behind me, no matter how unwavering the sense of wanderlust was within me.

My discontent could not be ignored though. I had to go and see the world before I could truly appreciate what it meant to be at home. The world for me then was Jack, and that's where I wanted to go.

"Okay, Grandpa, I'm leaving," the bedroom door closed behind me as my feet pounded rhythmically down the stairs, "I'll be back tomorrow!"

"Alright...well, do you want something to eat? I could hurry up and make you something, you don't really eat enough." I shook my head 'no' as I put on my sweater.

"I'll eat once I'm there," I replied as I gave him a hug, "I love you."

"Have fun with your friends, it's good you have some girl friends to talk to, a girl needs to have someone to talk to because I know you can't tell your ol' Grandpa everything, and I'm no woman, I can't talk about certain things...now, you have fun, I love you, I'll see you when you come home!"

He waved to me from the entrance of the old farm house. His body was framed against the warm, golden light that emanated from behind him - casting an eerie silhouette as I made my way towards town. I pushed the image from my mind, and once I was out of sight, I took a shortcut through the town square and headed back towards the countryside. I wasn't going to a girl friend's house - I didn't have any girl friends!

Though I felt bad for lying, the adrenaline rush from the excitement far outweighed the guilt I felt. I sauntered through the woods, looking up through the trees to see the bright stars looking down at me. For a fleeting moment, I thought about my Mother. Did we see the same stars?

He stood on the front porch, the tourmaline twilight framing his lithe body with an amethyst afterglow. The flame on the end of his cigarette looked like just another star in the sky. A smile arose in his eyes as he took the last drag before stubbing it out.

"Sorry..." He apologized because he saw smoking as a dirty habit and one that a non-smoker shouldn't have to be subjected to. I didn't mind. He could do anything, and I wouldn't mind.

"You're on your own property, you can do whatever you want," I said as I walked up to the porch and stood next to him. He leaned his arms on the banister to be closer to my height.

"Yeah, but it's not a good habit. Don't ever start," he grinned as I tried to hide the shame from my face; I had tried smoking, and it was because he did it. But I didn't tell him that. Then he added, "I'm getting better though. I only really do it when I'm nervous."

"Why are you nervous?" I asked, always too quickly. His hand ran through his golden, brown hair and stopped at the back of his head, eyes squinted as he laughed.

"I don't know how to answer that," he replied, adorably flustered.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I ask awkward things," I apologized as he picked my bag up off of the ground and opened the door to the house for me. The smell of food and all things yummy filled the air as I walked in and I could barely hide my excitement. Was there anything hotter than a guy who cooked dinner for you?

"So... I made stir fry and a couple of other things..." he said a bit sheepishly, "I thought you might be hungry."

I was _so_ hungry. For a lot of things.

"You're the best," my arms wrapped around him in a sudden burst of openness, and I was encompassed by his scent. A comforting, woodsy scent, with the faintest hint of pine.

It didn't take long for the awkward nervousness between us to pass and to fall right back into our normal dynamic of talking about goofy things and cracking jokes at each others expense. The food was so good, and even though the saying goes: 'food is the way to a man's heart,' I think that it works both ways. The radio played at a low volume as we cleaned up the dinner dishes. Whether he was working outside, or just around the house, Jack always had the radio playing. Though he would change it up sometimes, it was usually the oldies and I knew most of the songs from Grandpa, since that was his jam from his younger years! An Elton John song came on, and he began to snap his fingers in a really cheesey way as he sang along.

_"I remember when rock was young... me and **May** had so much fun!" _I giggled as he inserted my name into the song, then I began to sing along.

_"Holding hands and skimming stones!" _I threw the dish towel down and grabbed his hands.

_"Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own... _well, I have a place of my own, wish I had a gold Chevy, that would be so 'swag'," he said as I was all smiles.

_"...but the biggest kick I ever got... was doin' a thing called the Crocodiiillee Rock!" _I sang as we started dancing in a style similar to the jitterbug. Or maybe it was more like swing dance? I don't know. All I know is that we weren't very good, but we didn't have to be! We were having way too much fun as we sang in unison.

_"Crocodilerockin'! Is something shockin'!"  
><em>_"Crocodilerockin'! Is something shockin'!"  
><em>

_"Laaaa! La la la la laaaaa!"_

_"La la la la laaa!"_

_"LA LA LA LA LAAA!"  
><em>_"LA LA LA LA LAAA!"_

_"But the years went by and the rock just died... __**Popuri** went and left us for some foreign guy!" _

"Hahaa! You're pretty good at impromptu lyrical parody!" I exclaimed over the music as he scooped me up into his arms. My legs wrapped around his waist and my hands around his neck. We smiled at each other as the music played on in the background...

_...we really thought the Crocodile Rock would last..._

And as the last moment of patience passed by, our lips pressed long and hard into each other. It was always so rushed with us, so hungry and passionate, as if we were worried we wouldn't have another chance to do it. He held me up, our lips still fighting for more as I hastily undid the buttons on his flannel shirt. I only made it half-way before he carried me into the bedroom and laid me down gently on the bed. Despite the intensity of our desire, his touch was always soft and unassuming. His paradox drove me crazy with lust. And the room was dark, illuminated by the warm light that we had left on in the kitchen and the cool, pale moonlight from the window over his bed. I continued unbuttoning his shirt, my fingers lightly grazing his skin as I made my way further down, teasing him as I didn't go any further than his stomach. He was thin but his body was toned, the definition in his arms and shoulders even more apparent as he held himself above me.

_...I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will..._ _  
><em>

"Are you nervous?" he asked, his voice slightly shaky as his hazel eyes met with mine questioningly.

"Are you?" I quickly retorted, not wanting to admit how nervous I actually was. We both let out a laugh, alleviating a bit of the tension.

"This isn't my first go-around..." he answered in a playfully confident tone.

"Mine either."

Suddenly, his hand moved down to my lower back and pulled me up to him, my hips arching upwards towards his.

"Stu doesn't know what he's doing."

Oh. My. **Goddess**.

In a fluid motion, he pushed himself against me, the heat from our lips surging further down my body as he pressed the bulge in his jeans hard into me in fevered desire. But even in the midst of his craving for more as we undressed, I could feel the tenderness in his restraint as his hands moved across my body and up to my face, his fingers lightly brushing away my hair as it fell in tousled curls over his sheets. My legs quivered as our naked skin met, my nails imbedding into the skin on his upper back as I felt him throb against me. I held my breath. And in one, slow stroke he plunged into me and it hurt. The pressure from having him inside me made me tense up even more, and I let out a loud sigh from holding my breath for too long.

Our lips met again, his scent enveloping me as his soft hair fell onto my face, his warm lips then falling down my neck. I started breathing again. But just when I thought I had regained some sort of composure, the roughened skin of his face skimmed over my breasts and I could have died from the anticipation of what I knew he'd do to me next. Before him, I never knew how wonderful it felt to have other parts of your body touched. I thought sex was limited to your "bad places" and that was that. But, with him, it was so much more than that. The warmth of his mouth on my nipples was so satisfying, but the dampness left behind once he moved away left me craving for more of him. I could feel myself opening up as his fingers caressed my neck and ears. Who ever thought touching someones _ears_ could be so erotic?

Feeling the tension alleviate from my body, he began to pump into me again, and it didn't hurt anymore. It felt really good, almost too good, and my neck arched back involuntarily from the pleasure that crashed in waves over my body. We held onto each other, neither of us aware of anything other than each other.

"Jack... Jack..."

His name like a mantra spilled from my lips and it felt like something that I had read in a dirty, romance novel before. Abruptly, he pulled out of me and stopped everything he had been doing. I looked up at him, startled, worried I had done something terribly wrong and un-sexy.

"If you keep doing that, I won't last five more seconds..."

An impish smile emerged on his face as he looked down into my eyes, his skin glistening from the tiny beads of sweat that caught the moonlight. My hands touched his face lovingly, my thumb tracing his cheek before my fingers combed up into his damp hair. I felt it, but I didn't say it. I wanted to say it but I couldn't. It was too soon. His expression changed, his eyebrows relaxed and the tension left his face- his eyes searching mine as a serene stillness settled over us. For a moment, he looked almost sad. Did he feel it too? Without words, I pulled him down to me and kissed him again, letting all the stress of our relationship and the potential obstacles that lie ahead of us melt away.

_"I love you."_


	12. Here Comes The Rain Again

**Chapter 12: Here Comes the Rain Again**

"You're such a good little girl, May."

The voice rang from the old TV screen as I watched a home movie, filmed with an old camcorder, with my Grandpa, me, and our dog Hana the summer after my Mother left Mineral Town. How odd it was to be able to hear someone's voice after they no longer exist.

I used to think that about singers a lot. Grandpa would play old records and tell me about the singer, and I would think how incredibly neat, yet, strange, it was that that person's voice could be heard just the same as when they were alive. But they weren't alive anymore. And it wasn't really the same.

The tears had stopped long ago. I had cried so much that my eyes felt like they were swollen shut. So badly I wanted to escape into sleep, but my dreams were plagued with his voice, everything he did, all of my bright and beautiful memories of him had become jumbled into melancholy, lonely fragments. Life had become indistinguishable from my dreams, everyone just went on with their lives as if the best man in my world had never even existed. Every time I'd walk through the door now, there would be no Grandpa to greet me, to make me food, to ask me if I wanted to go to the hot spring even though I hated the hot spring. How could everything change so suddenly?

The home video ended abruptly and the VHS tape ejected from the VCR, leaving me in a dark, silent room with the flickering gray static of the TV lighting up my face. I stared ahead, unable to cry anymore.

_"How am I supposed to go on?" _I thought to myself, _"how will anything ever be good again?"_

I accepted that, from that moment on, happiness would never come to me. How could I ever know happiness again without Grandpa? Everything he ever was, and everything he ever knew, was lost. I became frustrated as I tried to replay the things he told me over in my head, forgetting the finer details. What if I forgot something he told me? I could never again ask him. I looked around the room. Everything was still save for the light from the flickering TV screen that periodically lit up the walls. Seeing his glasses and his coffee mug lying on the table only hurt more because he would never use them again. If I just closed my eyes and pretended, it felt like nothing had changed, and it just felt like Grandpa was away and he'd come back. Maybe not for a long time, but he'd come back. We'd see each other again. Right?

_Knock Knock Knock_

The sudden rapping on the door jerked me out of my thoughts. What if it was Grandpa? I knew it was silly, but I was liable to believe just about anything in my current state of mind. As I began making my way towards the door, I hesitated. Without Grandpa, I wasn't able to defend myself, so what if it was someone I didn't want to see? What if it was someone I didn't know and I couldn't get them to leave? I began to panic, biting my nail as the knocking continued. I lightly walked over to the kitchen and leaned over the counter to look out of the window. Once I saw who it was, I was momentarily relieved, then panicked again when I realized how awful I might look.

"Hey," he said in a less-than-happy tone, "I've been worried about you."

I smiled and then put my head down, gaze towards the floor. I didn't want him to see how much I had been crying, but he had to know. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around me and I just started to cry. It had only been two days without Grandpa, and I wasn't coping very well at all. I had barely eaten, but I wasn't hungry. And even though I had slept a lot, it didn't feel like it.

"Let's go for a walk," he suggested as he rubbed my back, my face still buried in his chest as I shook my head 'no'.

"I don't feel like walking..."

"Not even just a little walk to my house? I'll make dinner, and I know you haven't eaten." I mulled it over in my head, worrying that it was still bright enough outside for the neighbors to see us together. When I didn't respond, he added, "I'll carry you if you don't want to walk."

I laughed slightly. It felt so unnatural to laugh though.

"You don't have to carry me... but thank you," I looked up at him then immediately turned away, "I'm sorry I probably look terrible."

"You don't look terrible, maybe terribly sad, but not terrible," he smiled through his own sad eyes, "it's dark and depressing here, why don't you grab a few things and come over to my house with me?"

I finally gave in and made the grueling walk over to his place. He didn't try to fill the silence, which I was thankful for. The dying grass of his farmland was shaded with the dark clouds that loomed heavy over the land, sweeping out the sunlight as cold air blew down from the tall, lonely mountains. It seemed fitting, as if Mother Nature was mourning for the loss of Grandpa too.

Once we made it to his house, I immediately went to lie down in his bed. After having eaten very little for the past few days, I was weak and had a piercing headache from the short walk over to his house and wanted to lie down before I ate anything. He covered me up and kissed my forehead before going into the kitchen. The sound of the fan over the stove and the clanking of pots and pans was very soothing; it reminded me that I wasn't alone. Slowly, I began to feel warm and safe again, and it wasn't long before I drifted off into a long, heavy sleep.

Sunlight. A warm summer wind. Field grass. Hana runs up to me and almost knocks me over. I'm so little. _Grandpa!_ He's in the barn, fixing a tractor maybe, or maybe he's just keeping himself occupied by caring for the animals. _Grandpa!_ It's starting to rain outside and I'm afraid of the thunder. _Grandpa! The Boom-Boom Man is coming!_ He laughs, his warm and soft laugh. _Oh, May, the Boom-Boom Man won't hurt you, he's good, he brings the rain to help the Harvest Goddess water all the grass so the cows can eat._ The cows whine and Hana's tail is between her legs as the thunder rumbles through the humid summer air. _It scares me though._ The sky grows darker and darker. _Let's sit outside on the porch and watch the storm. Together._

But I'm scared.

I felt sick as I awoke to a warm hand wiping away the hair that was adhered to my damp skin. I remember that my eyes felt so heavy and were hard to open. Disorientation swept over me.

"May..." it's not Grandpa, "you've slept for so long, you should get up and eat."

I furrowed my eyebrows as reality washed over me. Why did he have to wake me up? I didn't want to stop dreaming. I started crying again, refusing to get out of bed and carrying on like a child.

"May, you have to get up, you're going to get sick," his voice was stern at first, but then it became worried, "I hate seeing you like this..."

Without the energy, or the will, to get up I just stared up at him through angry, tear-filled eyes.

"I just want to die! Just let me go to sleep and starve... I don't want to be alive anymore!"

"Stop it, May!"

"Why?! What does it matter? What does anything matter! I never wanted to come into this world, why am I forced to suffer like this and lose everyone I love? I'm tired of it! Just let me die!" hot tears stained my face as I spat the words out at him. It wasn't fair of me to say at all, and I knew it, but I couldn't help it.

Suddenly, I felt his hands around me, under my back and my legs. With one quick motion he scooped me up, covers and all, and carried me through the house.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around him, still crying, but not resisting.

"Showing you the light."

He took me outside and the sunlight was blinding at first, blazing bright above the land and illuminating all the puffy white clouds that decorated the early sky. The morning air still had a chill to it, but it was slightly warmer than it had been the evening before... that's when it occurred to me that I really had slept for a long time. We sat on the front porch steps, me still wrapped up in his blankets as I cried into his chest. He held me like a baby and I cried like one too. Eventually, the tears slowed and I grew calmer as I let the warm sunlight wash over me. The pine trees above rustled faintly, their massive limbs extending out towards the opal sky. I turned to look out on the fields, the animals were out grazing for one of the last few days of autumn. Their soft calls to one another were gentle and soothing, and the chickens were clucking and pecking at one another, and then there was a dog running towards us...?

"Hana!" I exclaimed both out of pleasure and annoyance as she licked my face, "Why is Hana here?"

"I went over to your place to feed the animals since you were sleeping and she followed me around the whole time, so I couldn't just leave the old girl alone...right, Hana?"

Tail pounding the floorboards of the porch rhythmically, Hana yawned and made a noise that sounded similar to an agreement which caused Jack's dog, Scout, to tackle her in an attempt to play. Scout was a lot younger though, and way more rambunctious, causing Hana to not return the energetic response.

"Thank you," I said as I looked up at him from my place in his arms, "for everything."

"I hate to see you so sad."

"But I am sad... I just don't see the point in it all anymore," I sat up on his lap as I petted Hana's snout, noting the gray fur that had accumulated around her eyes, "I can't ever be happy again."

"May, your happiest times were with your Grandpa, but during those days he was just sad just as you are now. Look, he didn't have your mom anymore, and he had lost his wife, and he has also lost my grandfather who was one of his good friends. Think about how much sadness he had to bear but he still lived on. For you. And he made you happy even though he was sad at times. You are strong like Barley, and you're gonna live on and you're gonna make other people happy too just like he did."

Hana scooted closer to me and put her paws up onto my legs which were still wrapped in Jack's bedclothes. I thought about what he said. He was right, but I had never thought about it that way before. Still though, regardless of my emotional state, there were other issues that were weighing heavy on my mind.

"What am I going to do with all the animals though? I can't take care of them all myself and what about all of his tractors that are broken and all the work that he was doing on our house... I can't do any of that stuff! And what if—"

"I'll help you," he said calmly, trying to stop me from panicking, "we'll figure it out—

Together."


	13. She Walks on Seashells

**Chapter 13: She Walks on Seashells**

It's in the morning, for most of us. That moment just before you really 'wake up.'

It's that time when, for a few seconds, you're coming out of sleep but you are not fully awake yet. In that fleeting moment, you are something more primitive than what you are about to become. Just like my Mother, my Grandfather, and all my distant ancestors that I've never known, I'm waking up to a new day, to a new sky, just as they did once before. And in a sense, some part of them and their world still clings to me and I am able to feel what they felt. It's something so fundamentally human, yet, I can't describe it. And, for a few brief moments, I have the potential to be anything and everything. The sadness of my reality and weight of the world has not yet been felt by my heart. Then... and then, just as I'm about to figure it out, just before I come to peace with it all, my eyes open and the day is before me and I'm forced to face it all.

I am forced to face myself.

My bare feet met hesitantly with the cold, wooden floor of Jack's old farmhouse. He would tell me that I should wear socks but I hate to wear socks, especially when I'm sleeping. The room was dim as rainy, mid-morning light dispersed through the sheer curtains. The air in the house felt colder than it normally did that day as I made my way down the hallway in nothing but an over-sized T-shirt and panties. I remember the monotonously calming sound of rain drops on the metal roof; it always made me want to fall back to sleep when I heard it.

"Hi."

"What time is it?" I held my arms as the cold air brought goosebumps out on my exposed skin, my eyes only halfway opened as I stood in the middle of the kitchen.

"Five till nine," he replied as he wrapped his arms around me, "though I hate to tell you this, you're gonna have to start wearing more clothes around here or you'll freeze."

I laughed slightly as I put my head on his chest, his scent shifting between calm and electrifying by the second.

"I have to get ready... I'll stop by the grocery store on my way back, do you want anything specific?"

"No, just get whatever you want," he said as he pulled out his wallet. Despite my unwillingness to accept, he made me take his money anyway. "Don't spend your money, I have us covered."

"Well, you said you weren't doing well financially," I said as I laid the money on the counter next to some of my other belongings.

"Yeah, I made a somewhat impulsive purchase but I've got enough money to take care of everything on my end. Unfortunately, though, I don't have enough to help you pay taxes on the Yodel Ranch."

I pulled my hair back into a low ponytail, letting the end lay over my shoulder as I stared down at the ground.

"Even if you could help pay the taxes, I wouldn't let you do it," I stood up on my tippy-toes and kissed him lightly on the lips, "I'm gonna get ready and go, I'll see you when I get back."

It was a cold and dreary day as I walked through the light rain back to the Yodel Ranch. I remember calling it that in my mind, thinking that it wasn't 'home' anymore, at least, it didn't feel like home anymore. Other than the occasional trip to grab a few of my belongings, I hadn't spent more than a few hours there since Grandpa passed away two months prior. I fumbled with the keys as I made my way inside, turning on the lights and cracking open a window to let a bit of cold, fresh air in. It wasn't long before I heard a knock on the door.

"Hello, May?"

I opened the door to find a tall, sturdy woman standing before me. She looked to be about Jack's age, maybe even a bit older, though it was honestly hard to tell. She was dressed plainly with a pair of loose jeans and a heavy, orange coat which seemed a bit more than the weather required. Her auburn hair was pulled back haphazardly into a short ponytail, weighed down and dripping from the rain outside.

"Yep, hi, you must be, Pony?" she nodded as I opened the door, motioning for her to come in, "you're soaked... the rain must have picked up since I was outside."

"It seemed to be freezing a bit up on the mountain ridge," she said as she took off her boots, smiling wide, "I didn't bother with taking the train, so I just walked." That explained her heavy coat.

She sat down hesitantly at the kitchen table that was still cluttered with all of Grandpa's things that I had been too upset to move. Pony had contacted me through Takakura, a rancher from Forget-Me-Not Valley that Grandpa had done a lot of business with throughout the years and seemed to be very close to. I vaguely recalled stories Grandpa had told me about him as I made coffee for Pony and I, but couldn't quite recall the details. Thankfully, Pony filled the silence as well as the gaps in my memory.

"Yeah so, my dad, he and your Grandpa... Barley, right? Yeah so, Barley and my dad were both good friends with Takakura, that's how they knew each other," she graciously accepted the warm cup of coffee as I sat down across from her, "and your grandmother was Takakura's half-sister."

"Oh, wow, so I'm actually related to Takakura? You know more about my family than I do..." I replied upon hearing the news, "he's the guy who lives with you, right? So, he's my great uncle."

"Yeah, I think that's right," she took a long drink of her coffee despite it being so hot, "Takakura lives on the farm with me, but he's too old to work much."

"Oh, so it's just you working by yourself? It's been hard for me to take care of all these animals, are you sure you can handle it on your own?" I hoped I hadn't come off condescending. It's not that I didn't believe in her ability, but these were my animals and I wanted to make sure that their caretaker was trustworthy as well as able to care for them. Thankfully, she seemed unfazed by my remark.

"Well, it has just been me, but my brother, Pete, will be moving in too. With him, it won't be any problem to do the work. We've expanded the barn already and gotten it all insulated for winter. I might need to buy some extra fodder from you though, just in case."

"Sure, sure," I said idly as I held my steaming coffee mug, reminding me that I had never shut the window. As I got up to do so, Pony turned around in her chair and looked at me.

"I can't imagine how hard this is for you... having to sell your animals and everything. But, I really want to help you out—I'm gonna throw in a little more money than you initially asked for, because I know you're cutting me a huge deal on that brown Swiss cow."

"Bess," I corrected, "she's won best in show three years in a row, her milk will sell for a lot."

"You can come by _anytime_ and see her, okay?" Pony's smile was bright and sincere, so I forced myself to give one back, even if it was half-hearted.

The large wad of money in my pocket did nothing to fill the vacancy in my heart as Pony left, a receipt in her hand confirming the sale of all of the animals on the Yodel Ranch to be picked up the next day. I spent a long time in the barn after she left, taking in the last bit of time I'd have with all the animals. I know it's silly, but I was so attached to them. They were like my brothers and sisters, especially Bess, who was closer to me than most people were. I spent the most time with her, noting all the subtle variations in her beautiful, satin coat and committing them to memory. Her soft eyes never left me as I wept, my body draped over her as I cried out in the empty barn. I had to sell her though, there was no way around it. She was worth the most and I needed the money to pay the taxes on the property. I could eventually buy her back from Pony, but if I lost the Yodel Ranch because of not paying my taxes, that would be worse. Jack had offered to sell his animals to make room for mine, but I refused, wanting to take care of everything on my own and not wanting to ask any favors.

After retaining my composure, I said goodbye to all the animals individually and let them know that their new home would probably be much nicer, joking to them that when I bought them all back they'd be mad at me for it because they'd miss their new home so much. I told Bess it was like a vacation, and that I'd bring her back one day because I loved her.

I bundled up and left the ranch around 1 o'clock as to make it to the supermarket in town and back to Jack's before dinnertime. It was pretty quiet in town because of the weather and no one was at the supermarket when I walked in. Jeff nodded silently at me, noting my presence as I began to look around, passing the jewelry counter before making my way to the groceries. I was surprised to see that someone had bought the blue feather that had been in the case for years now. Though it wasn't the most ornate blue feather I had ever seen, I remember that it had a simple appearance with both light and dark shades of blue intertwined with silver, and I quite liked it. As I began shopping, I could overhear conversations from somewhere else in the building.

"Living with him? Already?" said a voice dripping with eagerness.

"Yep. She _never_ leaves. I _never_ see her go back to her place. They must just stay inside and screw all the time because I rarely even see them come outside! He's probably neglecting all of his animals..." replied a voice that I was almost positive I recognized as Karen's.

"Oh, how awful! Those poor animals..." said the first voice again in an overly-dramatic tone. It sounded a lot like Mary's mother, Anna.

"Maybe that's why he bought—" the clanking of pots and pans made it hard for me to hear everything, "that bought the... wow! You think they'll have a wedding?"

"_I_, for one, would not attend!"

"Well listen to this..." began a new, third voice, one that obviously belonged to Manna, "lately _he_ has been buying a lot of wine. Why, just a week ago he came by and bought four bottles! Four bottles! Then, he came by a few days later and bought two more! That's six bottles—six bottles—in less than a week's time! Is she even old enough to drink yet?"

My heart sank. Were they talking about me? I tried to control my breathing, telling myself that it might not be me that they're talking about.

"Hmph, seems like she's growing up to be just like her mother," replied a fourth voice that had a haughtiness to it which I immediately recognized to be Karen's mother, Sasha, "she'll end up pregnant and he won't want her after that, he'll kick her out once he's done with her and then she'll pawn her kid off on someone else to raise. Just like her mom."

Just then, I caught Jeff's eye—nervousness wrecking his body as he rung his hands anxiously, his eyes darting towards the back door where the voices continued emanating from.

"I always hated Joanna... what a bitch."

I lost it. I completely lost it. Yeah, my Mother was a bitch. A really selfish bitch who left me and was never there for me when I needed her the most and a multitude of other such terrible things. But _I_ could say that. _They_ could not. I threw my groceries down on the counter in front of Jeff who trembled in panic as he began to stutter something indecipherable. I rushed at the back of the store to confront the verbal assailants, but just before I made it to the door, it swung open, bringing me face-to-face with Karen. Her green eyes were wide with terror as the three gossiping women continued bantering on behind her.

"You fucking bitch," my voice sounded ragged and unrecognizable, even to me. Sasha, Anna, and Manna abruptly ended their conversation and stared at the confrontation.

"May, I—"

"No, fuck you! What the FUCK is wrong with you? All of you!" I screamed as I threw my hands up, my voice cracking from the anger and tears, "why would you say that about my Mother?! Why would you say that about me...?"

I began to cry, but not from sadness. I was so angry that I couldn't see straight. My chest felt tight as they all just stared at me, not able to say a damn thing because what could the really say at that point? No one uttered an apology either, so I walked back to the counter to pay for my groceries, deciding to just get out of there before I said—or did—something I would regret.

"Dad, just put it on the tab and let her go—"

"I don't need your fucking pity," I hissed as I counted out the bills, my hands shaking from the encounter. At that point, Sasha was standing next to Karen as the other women mumbled from the room behind them. I threw all of my groceries in one bag, causing it to be quite heavy, but the adrenaline allowed me to pick it up with easy. I glared at them as I stood in the middle of the grocery store.

"I'm really sorry for you guys. I'm really fucking sorry that your lives are so boring and miserable that you have to spend your free time worrying about what I'm doing... but you know what, I don't really care what you think of me... but don't you hold it against Jack. He didn't do _anything_ to you guys."

Cold air rushed past me, making it hard to see as I hastily made my way back towards home. The rush from the confrontation kept me hot with anger as the air pierced through my light coat. I was still fuming by the time I made it through the door of Jack's house, practically spilling the contents of the grocery bag as it's weight became more apparent.

"Wait, let me help you...why did you get so much stuff? And why did you put it all in one bag...? Did you bag this? This is awful, there's no way you bagged this... the eggs are on the bottom, and the bread is being crushed by the orange juice..." he kept going on and on as I just stood there, still wearing my coat and shoes, staring off blankly as I took a deep breath. Finally, he turned and looked at me, "May...? What's wrong?"

"EVERYTHING!" I yelled as my fist meekly hit my thighs out of anger, "everything is WRONG! I hate it here! I hate everyone and everything and I just don't want to be here anymore!"

"May, what are you talking about? What happened?" Tears started to stream down my face as I recounted the story to him.

"Wait, what? They said that to you?"

"Not _to_ me, they didn't realize I was there, and they were talking about how they wouldn't come to our wedding if we got married and how I'm just like my mom because I'm with you, because you're older than me, but I've never even met my dad! I didn't even know he was older than my mom! And they are just saying all these things about how I'm not even old enough to legally drink yet!"

Jack's expression was one I had never seen before; something between panic and outright rage.

"What did they say about a wedding?" The skin on my forehead knitted together, perplexed as to why he would be concerned over what I thought was an insignificant detail.

"I don't know! I didn't hear everything they said at first, just that they pretty much didn't approve of us being together." He nodded, still appearing distressed as he chewed on his lip. I felt myself growing even more furious at his lack of concern for the important issue at hand. "Jack, you're coming up on the end of your third year... with all this gossip going around about us the town might decide to make you leave. I don't want you to lose the farm because of me!"

He held me as I began to cry again, rubbing my back as he tucked his face into my hair.

"Don't worry about that, okay? It's just idle gossip. Everything's going to be okay."

"It's not! It's not going to be okay!" I pulled away from him, "I should get my stuff and go, maybe I'll just sell the ranch and move away, go to college, I don't know."

The look in his eyes scared me.

"Maybe you should."


End file.
